We like to think we’ll always have time.
Time to make decisions.
Time to explain what we want.
Time to say, “Do this — not that.”
But life doesn’t always give us time.
A car accident. A sudden illness. A routine surgery that takes a turn.
One day, you’re sitting up and talking — the next, someone’s asking what kind of care you’d want if you couldn’t speak for yourself.
Would they know the answer?
You Don’t Have to Be Sick to Plan Ahead
Choosing a healthcare advocate (also called a proxy, healthcare agent, or power of attorney for healthcare) isn’t just for people at the end of life — it’s for every adult. Because anything can happen, and the middle of a crisis is the worst time to try and make clear-headed decisions.
Maybe you’d want every life-saving treatment available.
Maybe you’d want comfort care — to be kept pain-free, surrounded by familiar faces and familiar sounds.
Maybe it depends on the situation.
The only “wrong” answer is not having the conversation at all.
What a Healthcare Advocate Actually Does
Your healthcare advocate is the person who makes medical decisions for you if you can’t.
They talk with doctors. They weigh options. They honor the wishes you’ve already shared.
This might include:
- Whether you’d want CPR, a ventilator, or feeding tubes
- Whether you’d want to stay in the hospital or be moved home or to hospice
- How aggressively to treat new illnesses (like pneumonia or cancer later in life)
It’s not an easy job — which is exactly why you need to choose the person who can do it well.
Choosing the Right Person
This choice matters — deeply.
Your healthcare advocate will be your voice when you no longer have one. So choose carefully.
It might surprise you, but sometimes the right person isn’t your spouse, your parent, or even your child. Love doesn’t automatically make someone a good decision-maker in a medical crisis. In fact, it can make it harder.
If someone loves you deeply but has very different beliefs about life and death — or struggles to let go — they might find it impossible to honor your wishes when the time comes. They may mean well, but their love can cloud their ability to follow your truth instead of their fears.
We’ve all seen heartbreaking examples of this. The Terri Schiavo case, for instance, showed the devastating impact of family members disagreeing about what a loved one would have wanted. Her husband believed she wouldn’t have wanted to live indefinitely in a vegetative state; her parents couldn’t bear to let her go. Without clear direction, her story became a national battle — and a reminder of how vital these choices are.
Your advocate’s job is to honor your wishes, not their own emotions.
So when you’re deciding, ask yourself:
- Can this person truly carry out my wishes, even if it breaks their heart?
- Can they separate their grief from my values?
- Do they share my beliefs about quality of life, comfort, and dignity?
If you suspect your closest loved one might struggle to make those calls — it’s okay to choose someone else. It’s not a betrayal; it’s an act of love and protection for both of you.
You can always name an alternate or secondary advocate, too — someone who can step in if your first choice isn’t available or able to serve.
Put It in Writing
After you’ve had the talk, make it official.
Every state has its own version of a Medical Power of Attorney or Healthcare Proxy form. You can download it online, fill it out, and share copies with your proxy, your doctor, and a trusted family member. Keep one where it can be easily found.
If you already have an advance directive or living will, review it every few years — or anytime your health or relationships change.
Updating your paperwork is an act of love, not morbidity.
Where a Death Doula Fits In
This is where a death doula can make a world of difference.
A doula helps you have these hard conversations before they’re urgent. We help you think through what matters most, clarify your values, and communicate them in ways your loved ones can understand.
We’re not medical professionals; we’re advocates for your peace of mind — a bridge between your heart and the paperwork.
I’ve sat beside families who had no idea what their loved one wanted. The guilt and confusion in those moments are heartbreaking. But I’ve also seen what happens when someone planned ahead — when their healthcare advocate knew exactly what to do. Those moments are filled not with panic, but with grace.
That’s the gift you give when you choose your advocate now.
A Loving Step You Can Take This Week
Take an hour this week to talk with your loved ones.
Choose your advocate. Fill out the form. Have the conversation.
If you’re unsure where to start — or if you’d like guidance in exploring your values, creating your plan, and easing your family into these discussions — I can help.
As a death doula, I walk beside individuals and families through these very choices. Together, we can create a plan that reflects who you are and what matters most, so your care — and your peace — are never left to chance.
👉 Reach out to schedule a conversation today.
Let’s make sure your voice is heard, no matter what tomorrow brings.